It was a sad, sad Monday for NursePam. I found a letter of resignation in my box from one of my best little nurselettes. She is working on her R.N. and was offered a job at Kaiser.
I got all weepy and left her a voice mail saying "No, Fweebs, no! Say it isn't so."
This is the text message she sent to me:
I love working with you. You are like a mommie to me. I was a little nurse cocoon. Now i got my wings and thanks to you :)
Fly free little nurselette. Fly free!
*sob*
This is the current desktop image on my work computer.
Sign on my office wall: New Work Incentive Program: Do what the boss tells you to do today and you can come back to work tomorrow.
Favorite song: Red Red Wine
Favorite person: My dog
Favorite day: Saturday
Current mood: Very pissy
According to the Financial Wizards, I will retire when I am 89. My 401K is heading south along with my neck and my ass.
I asked the nurses on the afternoon shift to please invite my favorite trouble makers to fuck with me. I'm in the mood to fire an asshole.
This is the memo I would most like to post:
Dear Jerk Off,
Please, keep leaving turds in my mail box. I just want one excuse to take you out back and beat your sorry ass.
Lovingly,
The person you think is your mother but who in reality is your boss who thinks that your work sucks but we're stuck with you because you live in a foxhole and get some other idiot to lob your grenades
p.s. You are not cute. Just young and stupid.
I've gotta love my staff. One of my nursing assistants stopped to chat while I was checking out the announcement board.
D: I don't know what to do. It's coming out in hard little balls.
Me: What?
D: You know. I've tried everything and it keeps coming out hard.
Me: Are you talking to me about your poop?
D: Yes, I am.
Me: Why?
D: (whining) You're my D.O.N. I'm pregnant and I can't poop.
Me: You're pregnant? Again? How far along? You don't look pregnant.
D: Four months. What can I do?
Me: Oh god. Eat a huge green salad every day.
D rolls her eyes and stalks away, leaving me still wondering why she wants to discuss her poop with me.
I walk into the nursing station and am suddenly drowning in estrogen. Trust me, lesbians are no more happy to be constantly surrounded by estrogen than any other person.
Somehow, estrogen ratchets up the drama until everyone is on the verge of vomiting. My teeth start chattering and the muscles in my neck clench me in a vise-like grip. Yuk!
So, thirty minutes later I'm walking up to the front office muttering to myself.
"Dear God. Please send me some testosterone. I need another male nurse. Maybe two. I can't take all these women."
Fifteen minutes later, I get a call from Cutest. "Hey, there's an LVN up here filling out an application."
"How does she look?" I ask.
"He looks great. He's cute, he's nice, and he brought his own pen."
My prayer has been answered. No shit. Sold! Sight unseen.
This is Cutest sitting at her desk. She keeps a secret file for me and helps me with supplies. Plus, she's the only one who will screen my calls. I would like to adopt her and her boyfriend.
This is Pam's Office, often referred to as "my personal disaster". I seem to function best in the midst of controlled chaos.
Note the illegal coffee pot hiding in the cupboard. My boss pretends that she does not know it's there. She outlawed office coffee pots before I got there. I told her that NursePam does not operate without a steady supply. We called an unspoken truce. As long as she doesn't see it.
When I hear those keys jangle, I close the cupboard door.
Those are adult briefs sitting on my desk. There is probably a box of condoms there somewhere.
This is the Rogue's Gallery on my wall. When one of my special people moves on, I liberate their name badges. They're supposed to go back to Human Resources. Amazing how many are "lost" just before one of my nurselettes leaves the nest.
And this is the coolest car I have ever owned, The Prius.
Two of the Princess Grrls who work for me. Aren't they sweet?
They're standing in one of our three nursing stations. My office is in the back of this one. I think 90% of my life revolves around here.
Good thing I like the people I work with.
